“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
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I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Ovenable?
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?