Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
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doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
The big book of baby names but for safe words
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.