I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
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Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
I’d … I’d rather not.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..