[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
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being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇