I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
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Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?