My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
You Might Also Like
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them