Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
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I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know