A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
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(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
it’s finally my moment to shine
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water