[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
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I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”