Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
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excuse me
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.