“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
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*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
man: wait
time: no
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?