The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
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Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.