Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
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Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
gm
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Twitter is the new flypaper.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god