[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
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7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…