Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
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MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
the dark web is just a goth google.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea