Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
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Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows