I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
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There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
I got bills
They’re multiplying
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.