“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
You Might Also Like
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Mountain Goat : )
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost