Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
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I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.