[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
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College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again