I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
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Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.