Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
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to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.