Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
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[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
I’m not proud
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Europe. Made in Germany.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind