Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
You Might Also Like
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Happy Thanksgiving
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
That’s classic.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?