on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
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Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.