Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
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I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through