”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
You Might Also Like
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
The funk soul brother
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
that’s really how it is
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time