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My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Sunday
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window