Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
You Might Also Like
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Spider-cat: No One Home
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Tough love is true love