coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
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TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
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stoprilla
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uncleeater
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.