A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
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My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.