he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
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I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
BaD BoY!!
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate