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Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t