Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
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My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
My whole life was a lie.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.