date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
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The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
my mom making me talk to relatives
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.