the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
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6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*