ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
You Might Also Like
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
sry
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference