If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
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Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Me sliding into hell like
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other