I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
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Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.