9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
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Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.