Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
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I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.