I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
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Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
This is my favorite one of these!
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.