It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
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I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this