Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
You Might Also Like
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
🤣🤣🤣
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.