my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
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“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon