Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
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[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch