Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
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How long do you have to wait between naps?
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
My background check bounced.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
The cake is mightier than the sword.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”