Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
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My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
My flabber has been gasted.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.