*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
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One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Haha! 😂
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.