Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
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My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
real
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”